I often have this question asked: "what is an elegant woman?". I usually start by telling what she isn't: she isn't a snob wearing ostentatious branded luxury clothes.
Being an elegant person is more than just having a certain appearance... so I divided my list of the attributes of an elegant woman in two: the mindset and the appearance.
You will find the latter being a shorter list as, to me, the mindset prevails. There is no elegance if you have an excellent posture but a negative state of mind. Or a beautiful classic fitted dress and no manners.
However, the appearance as an important role. We are human beings and we communicate a lot non-verbally, our brain gets clues from what we see and perceive in fractions of second. Therefore, if you think that investing in your appearance is something you could do in a hope to be more elegant, you think right.
The Mindset
Etiquette and Good Manners
Etiquette is a set of rules that guide our behaviours in certain situation to ensure harmonious relationships with others. The topic is wide and evolving with this ever-changing world. As an example, you have dining etiquette, etiquette for weddings, for tea, for business, for social media and much more.
Good manners go along with Etiquette. It is the consideration you have for others. When you hold the door for someone, when you let someone speak before you, when you put your phone down to look at your friend in the eyes and listen to what he is saying... that is consideration, that is good manners.
An elegant woman knows her etiquette, knows when to apply it (and when not to). And she also has great consideration for others. Wether she is outside or in the intimacy of her home, even by herself.
Snobbery
[A person with an exaggerated respect for high social position or wealth who seeks to associate with social superiors and looks down on those regarded as socially inferior.]
In my "Call Me Lady" and "The First Lady Effect" programmes, I make it a point to advise young ladies to refrain from snobbery as it isn't a mark of good taste, it is a despicable behaviour and doesn't go along with good manners.
The elegant woman is confident and knows her value, but she will not undermine others to elevate herself. She respects everyone and has consideration for everyone, from the janitor to the CEO, seeing them from what they are: human beings, just like her.
A positive mindset
Negativity and elegance are not a good match. Far from going into the cliché of the stiff lady who only smiles, it is a matter of how life is perceived, how we react to the obstacles and incidents that life throws at us, how responsible for our own lives we are. Happiness is a choice: you either complain, blame others, see the bad before the goods, stay where you are and be miserable or you take full ownership: changing the things you can change…like this job or this apartment you hate. An elegant person seeks solutions, decides to learn lessons from hardships and difficult moments, she moves forward.
Boundaries
Because there is a fine line between having consideration and being a people pleaser, an elegant person will understand that being considerate starts with herself. The idea that “in order to love others, you must love yourself” or “to be respected, you must first respect yourself” is also applicable for consideration. Anytime you say “Yes” when you wanted to say “No”, it is a lack of consideration for yourself. Even though it comes from a good place (you didn’t want to disappoint someone), it doesn’t help in the long run.Set boundaries. If you don’t, people will define what is acceptable or not to you (and it won’t be pretty). How can people talk to you? How far can they go with their jokes? How much of you they can take advantage of? Do not say “maybe”, “I don’t know”. Say “No, thank you”.
-Read “How to say No Elegantly” here-
A sense of gratitude
Of course a lady knows how and when to say thank you. After receiving a gift, an invitation to a cocktail party,… writing a thank you note using her most beautiful stationary set, or texting a lovely message. But let’s go deeper than “thank you for holding the door for me”. Gratitude is a big deal. Much bigger than you might think. Quoting Dr John Demartini: “Gratitude is the key that opens up the gateway of your heart that allows the untapped and inspiring potential of love to radiate out and cleanse your mind of any clouding uncertainties that could block you from living your most amazing and extraordinary life and dream. When you are grateful for what you have you get more to be grateful for. You life is fulfilled to the degree of your gratitude.” When you feel grateful, when you are thankful, the Universe, God, sends you more. Do not verify if this theory is proven, try it. Really.
A good way to start is to have a Journal of Gratitude where you put everything you are grateful for: your house, the fact that you have a job to pay your bills, the great project your are working on, your family, your mental health, your cat, your childhood, the amazing breakfast you had this morning, this phone call from an old friend who thought of you, your beautiful legs, the fact that you breathe normally, etc…
Education
If you went to school and have diplomas, great. It is an asset and you can be proud of yourself. I encourage anyone who wants to study to do so. However, it isn’t mandatory to reach the doctorate level to be an elegant person… I’d say the elegant person doesn’t pursue diplomas but knowledge. Be curious, get informed on what is going on in the world, read, so you can entertain good conversation and know what is talked about.
Bye-bye Miss Perfect
Please throw this image of the conservative lady who doesn’t know how to take a joke, who is rigid and too old-fashion. Also, stop thinking that being perfect is what people want to see and how they will like you. Actually, it is the opposite, people like to be able to relate and are more likely to see you as relatable when they see your vulnerability and the fact that you are a human being who can make mistakes sometimes.
Less talking, More listening
In conversation, an elegant person listens actively. What does that mean? It means being genuinely interested by what the other has to say. The elegant woman listens, asks questions, nods her head. She avoids thinking about what to say next while the other person is talking.
The appearance:
Impeccable Posture
An elegant woman knows how to stand, walk and sit beautifully. She doesn’t slouch nor does she sit with her legs spread. Posture is important because it is part of your body language. It is one of the things you must work on if you want to make a great first impression.
Luckily for you, I have been able to ask a professional ballet dancer, India, to give us her best advices and tips for you to work on your posture. Read “Gracious like a ballerina - tips from professional ballet dancer, India Rose.”
Getting the style
Dressed properly, the elegant woman’s style does not need to be conservative. However, it follows some rules: it is tasteful, it is timeless, it is not vulgar, it isn’t about flashy brands everywhere (I saw a quote that says “you’re not a billboard” and loved it), it fits her in terms of character, age, activity and silhouette. You have different types of elegance, here are some examples:
The preppy chic, the what we call in France “BCBG” (Bon Chic Bon Genre), the classic one, the fashionable, the vibrant, the feminine...
You can either recognize yourself in one type or be a mix of two or more types.
The elegant woman’s wardrobe is a piece of art, well-taken care of, and carefully created piece by piece to truly represents who she is.
A tip on creating your own style: if you feel like you are wearing a costume, then it isn’t the right one. Wear what is really making you feel good, comfortable with who you are and what you do, it should be a style that boosts your confidence and tells the world who you are.
Grooming
Impeccable hair, skin and nails everyday. Hygiene is an obvious requirement but I like to put it as a reminder. Do not neglect the aspect of these three. We say the hair of a woman is like her crown. How would you take care of your crown? Have it clean, healthy and nicely styled. Find the hairstyles that you can easily re-create, that translates who you are. Here are a few examples of what I personally like but feel free to scroll down the Pinterest pages, looking for “elegant hairstyles”..
Vulgarity prohibited
Why would you swear and use coarse language? To be seen as cool? I am sorry to say (no... not really) that you are not doing yourself a favour but you are rather shooting yourself in the foot. I’ve never heard any one say “wow, this woman is so poised, elegant and swears so much she is funny!”.. No, however, I have heard “wow, this woman is so poised, elegant but all my good perception of her disappeared once she opened her mouth and started talking.” Yes, this is exactly what happens when you do everything to be seen as elegant and use nasty words… you are throwing all your efforts in the trash and completely alter your whole appearance.
It might look overwhelming but as the quote says “Elegance is a self-created work of art” and like any piece of art, it takes time and dedication. It is a journey that can take a lifetime. Have your eyes on the destination but enjoy this journey. See your transformation and celebrate yourself.
Luckily for you, I used to have an in-depth programme that would provide all the knowledge to develop the skills you need, this programme is no longer delivered through consulting however, it will be available in a comprehensive book I am working on! Don't hesitate to subscribe to get an alert whenever it is out!
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