I know this topic might seem to differ from the etiquette and elegance advices I usually share but you’ll understand in about two paragraphs how it does actually make sense to talk about this.
"To double your net worth, double your self worth. Because you will never exceed the height of your self-image" Robin Sharma
My desire for any woman seeking a more refined life, who wants to be elegant and become what we overly commonly call this « high-value » woman, is to see her reach her goals. I have been helping women for over 10 years now, developing their confidence, teaching the secrets and the attributes of the elegant woman through my "Charisma & Excellence" Workshop, sharing etiquette tips to make sure the behaviours and social interactions are on point, boosting their confidence through inspiring thoughts, so they can reach their full potential. All of the traits I teach are important but one is crucial: the commitment to grow. The high-value woman likes to improve herself, she likes the thought of being better than she was yesterday.
But there is one thing that makes this commitment to grow a challenge: our own limitations. We all have fears, self-doubts, limiting beliefs, often rooted in childhood. We might be aware of them or we might not notice them but they unconsciously dictate our pace on our transformation journey, making it difficult to evolve. If you feel like you have this strong desire within you to be « that » woman but somehow you feel a force that is blocking you from reaching higher levels, it might be because of limiting beliefs. I have been there.
I was an enthusiastic 17 years-old young woman who took on her journey to become an elegant woman. I have pictured myself being elegant and living a refined life, I wanted to be a respectable, dignified and gracious woman so I did the work: read a lot about elegance, etiquette; took courses, worked on my image, my expression, my manners.
Nevertheless, there was a time I have found myself in the land of stagnation while feeling in my gut that I still had other levels to reach. I couldn’t see it right away, but there were limiting beliefs: my lower-middle class upbringing included beliefs that kept me from going higher, I had to revisit my state of mind, unlearn things, and learn new ones. Please be advised that the education I received is one I am proud of. My parents have made a good job teaching us solid principles and values which make me who I am today, I am grateful to them. However, pushing us to do « better than them », we are now part of this crowd called in sociology the « social class defectors » , they are people from a modest background who managed to climb the social ladder. And a particularity of this crowd is that most of them suffer from a feeling of shame, a feeling of struggle between the impression that they need to stay loyal to where they come from and the impression that they cannot be fully accepted in their new environment.
Understand that this negative mentality limiting you is not humility. You can be ambitious and willing to reach your full potential while being humble about it, because, when you think about it, it would be a terrible mistake to associate the desire to use your gifts for a real purpose that would make you happy and feel fulfilled with plain arrogance. I wonder how many souls are keeping their gifts dormant just because they fear being labelled as « arrogant ». Can you imagine the waste? Gifts are to be shared with others! Anyways…
Past 25 years-old, I finally understood what was this limiting belief: the « poor » mindset. The beliefs I grew up with that were repeated like mantras: « we are not entreprenors in the family » , « if you do long studies, you’ll be safe », « money is bad », « rich people are bad », « we don’t have money », « we can never have more », « we cannot do this, this is not for us »…. etc
If you recognize yourself in this, I am willing to share with you some tips that will hopefully allow you to accelerate your pace or re-start it if you have found yourself in the stagnation land as well. So if you find yourself trapped in a poor mindset that is hindering your progress and holding you back from reaching your full potential, it's time to break free and embrace a new mindset. Here are the steps you can take to cultivate a more optimistic outlook:
Understanding the Impact of a Poor Mindset:
The biggest step is to realize this: a poor mindset often stems from self-limiting beliefs that undermine your confidence and belief in your abilities. Like I mentionned, the fears, the self-doubts, the limiting beliefs are usually rooted in childood. It all depends on how you have been educated. Do you feel like you do not have the « right » to do certain things even though you are attracted to them? Do you forbid yourself to indulge into certain activities, business adventures, hobbies… for fear of what your peers might think?
When I moved from France to Canada in my twenties, the cultural choc punched me in my face. I absolutely love France and its culture and I am definitely french BUT I felt a real difference between the french and the north-american state of mind. In France, majority of people have this common belief that rich people are evil (probably still stuck in the Revolution) and therefore, no one talk about money and if you do well (or very very well), you better hide it and stay discreet. While Americans… ooooh ‘Merica!! They celebrate ambition, success stories, they clap for you and they push you to do better (probably stuck in their « this is a new world » era). I mean… I arrived there and strangers would just open doors for me if I had any projects, no matter how little or silly it was, everything was just so « fantastic!!! ». I admit, I loved it, I felt like I had wider wings and it did help me a lot. I definitely understood how limiting my initial beliefs are when I saw myself doing things I could never set my mind doing before.
Think about it: what would you be doing if you had no fear, no limit?
Don’t let your beliefs and lack of self-worth keep you in a poor mindset that will block you from embracing your full potential.
2. Distinguishing a Poor Mindset from Humility :
Now it is important for you to understand what I mean by « poor mindset ». It isn’t condescendent, it isn’t in an arrogant way AT ALL. I want to take the opportunity here to remind you that the value of a person does not reside in an amount of money but it resides in the character. That being said, I do have a definition and an opinion about this « poor mindset ».
First, is the notion of safety and stability. It does sound good, doesn’t it? But this strong desire for predictability and avoidance of risk leads to resistance to change and missed opportunities. Again, the high-value woman seeks growth.
Second, the search for instant gratification. Prioritizing immediate pleasure over long-term goals can lead to impulsive decisions and difficulty achieving larger aspirations. Third, you have the victim mentality that have people feel powerless and blaming external factors for one's circumstances. This can hinder motivation and personal responsibility and of course, you cannot really evolve if you never think there is anything to change in you.
Being humble doesn't mean suppressing your ambitions. You can be ambitious and still maintain a humble attitude by acknowledging your strengths while respecting others. As long as you are not shoving your success into people’s face, I believe that having a dose of ambition can be healthy, it can drive you and motivate you to get out of your comfort zone and discover what you are capable of, what makes you happy and fulfilled. Humility, like I said in the « Classy Counsel Podcast »’s episode dedicated to it, involves recognizing that there is always room for growth and learning, while a poor mindset may resist change and growth due to fear or self-doubt.
3. Moving Beyond "Forgetting Where You Come From":
I have mentionned earlier this big dilemma the class « defectors » face: the feeling that you must not forget where you come from, that would be betrayal… I believe many stay stagnant and refuse to celebrate their accomplishment because it would feel like betrayal. But that is not how I see it. I believe my parents did absolutely everything they could for me to go higher, and if I go higher, then it honours them and all the work and sacrifices they have made. All the sweat isn’t in vain.
Also, I will never deny my humble beginnings, it is part of who I am and I love my story. However, you will never see me feel bad for moving forward.
It's important to honor and appreciate your background and the experiences that have shaped you. Moving beyond a poor mindset doesn't mean forgetting your roots but rather using them as a source of strength and inspiration.
4. Steps to get out of the poor mindset:
Now that you have identified the poor mindset, how will you be operating if you want to shake off all the limiting beliefs?
Become aware of negative thoughts and replace them with positive affirmations. Practice reframing negative situations into opportunities for growth.
Surround yourself with supportive and positive influences. Seek out mentors, friends, or communities that uplift and inspire you. Changing country was what helped me getting out of it, I am so grateful for the mind opening Canada has played in my life.
Cultivate a daily gratitude practice to shift your focus towards the positive aspects of your life. Recognize and appreciate the blessings and opportunities that come your way. This will help you a lot, especially if you are stuck in this blame/victim mentality. Learn to look at yourself before accusing external causes.
Re-think your relationship with money. If you grew up thinking money is evil, money is limited for you… I urge you to shift your mind and learn about it. One think I learnt quite fast is: money is JUST a tool, it isn’t a destination, it isn’t the key to happiness, it really is just a tool. If you know what you are gifted for, what is your purpose, money will just be there to help you accomplish that. Beware, if you believe that getting money is a goal, you might find yourself disappointed. However, do not demonize it, it is absolutely pleasant to not have to think about which bills should be paid and wether or not I should eat or pay my bills. Having money is a blessing, be grateful when you have it. You have probably heard or read the book « Rich Dad, Poor Dad », it is a classic I recommend to everyone: if you want to stop thinking like a « poor », that is the book you should read as it teaches you the basics that are taught to rich kids.
And to conclude, my dear high value people, breaking free from a poor mindset is a journey that requires self-awareness, patience, and consistent effort. It won’t happen overnight but you will get there, I promise. Believe in your abilities, surround yourself with positivity and soon, you’ll reach your full potential.
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