What is composure
Composure is your ability to stay calm during an argument or in the middle of a tense situation.
One of the aspects of the aristocrats from king Louis XIV’s very strict court was their ability to be in control of their body and of their minds. Letting their manners be influenced by their emotions was considered ill-bred.
But other than the fact that screaming and yelling is not so aristocratic, there are other good reasons to prefer calmness rather than a stormy exchange.
What are the benefits of staying calm?
How many of us have already caused damages with harsh words that would later be regretted? I know I did! I did say things I wish I could take back and I did hear things that hurt me a lot. Even if apologies are made when things gets better, it can leave a relationship with a bitter taste, some can forgive and forget but others never do, and it follows them for a long time.
Preserving relationships is one benefit but another one is to be able to actually resolve issues, wether the source of the argument is a “chronic” topic or a punctual problem, it needs to be addressed and clarified. Who doesn’t like their relationships (romance of friendship) to be cleared of any disagreement?
Staying calm is the best way to stop an argument from escalating and getting worse. It will help any other persons involved to calm themselves down. But something even more important is that being calm will let you THINK. Observe and understand the situation.
I know, it is easier said than done but like everything, I believe that with practice and perseverance, you can become the master of your own emotions and know how to react in difficult situations.
“Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances”
- Thomas Jefferson
How to do so
Don’t be afraid to initiate the calmness and show them how willing you are to listen, cooperate and discuss. The main issues in arguments are: the need to have the last word and the need to be heard. People will scream but will not listen to each other, feeling that the person isn’t listening, they scream even louder. It is a vicious cycle that does not allow anyone to feel heard and complicate the situation by drifting from any resolution.
Here are the steps to help you "win" an argument:
Initiate the calmness and listen. Forget about having the last word or trying to be heard and understood (for now), if you see someone upset, let the person speak. Listen carefully and show them that you are actively listening. Try to understand the source of the anger (behind anger, there is another emotion. Is it fear? Disappointment? Ask yourself where is the frustration really coming from)
Communicate with your body. If you can’t be heard with your voice, use your body. It is said to be as important as the words. Avoid rapid and violent gestures. Be gentle.
Tell them how you feel but avoid the blames. When you get the opportunity, don’t say “You always do this… You never do that….” but instead, start with “I”. “I feel unappreciated” or “it made me feel belittled”. Describe them how you feel.
Suggest to talk later if need be. If you feel that the person is still not willing to calm down, suggest to talk later “I see that you are really upset, it might be best to think about it on our own for a day or two and discuss it later.”
Your main goal should be to resolve the issue, make sure that the person in front of you understands that. You are not interested in having the last word and you are not here to prove that you are right. You want to show them that you are ready to hear them, acknowledge their feelings and that you are willing to work as a team to find a solution.
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